Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/parody/ds9/wormhole

Internet Message Format | 1995-08-20 | 11KB

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From: [e-mail] (David Caruso II)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: <> "Wormhole."
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 12 Aug 94 20:08:53 CDT
Organization: (This post by DC2)
Lines: 192

"Wormhole."

     "Station log, stardate four three two one point minus one.  We have
installed new washers and dryers in station laundry facilities.  Major Kira
got another haircut.  My son Jake came home late for supper last night and I
grounded him to quarters for the remainder of the week.  Two maintenance men
had a debate about the quality of replicated food; and lord help me, I'm
bored out of my mind ... !"
     Suddenly the station shook furiously and Sisko grabbed his
gin-on-the-rocks that titled precariously on the end of the table.  He
pretentiously hit his com-badge and declared, "Sisko to Ops, what the hell
just happened?"
     Dax's voice sounded, "We're not sure Commander, but were reading some
minor instability in the wormhole."
     "I'm on my way."

     Sisko pretentiously walked past O'Brien and looked over Dax's shoulder.
"What have you got, Lieutenant?"
     "We're still not sure, but we've detected some of what would appear to
be a residual substance coming from the wormhole."
     "On screen."
     The 13-inch color *Zenith* implanted in the wall came to life.  The
threshold of the wormhole was collapsing.  As it did, a thin wispy cloud
floated precariously towards the station.
     "Sensor analysis," barked Sisko.
     Chief O'Brien chimed in, "Sensors read it as a sort of bio-electric
particle field, highly unstable.  Possibly toxic."
     Kira put down her brush and said, "It's moving in on us, sir."
     O'Brien said, "Its rate of approach is increasing.  Estimate contact in
twenty-three seconds."
     Sisko barked, "Shields up!"
     As the cloud overtook the station, the shields glittered.
     Dax said, "Sir, we have shield penetration."
     Sisko barked, "Fire phasers!"
     Kira asked, "Sir, at what?"
     Sisko barked, "I don't know Major, anything you can find.  And if you
don't, I suggest you start packing your bags for Bajora."
     Kira said, "Firing phasers forty-five mark one ten, into the wormhole."
     Sisko barked, "The wormhole?"
     Kira said, "Well, you said anything!"
     Suddenly Quark came stumbling into the room.  "I don't know what you
guys are doing up here, but there's a lethal stench in the promenade.  I'm
losing customers!"
     Dax said, "We're starting to smell it in here, too, sir."
     Sisko barked, "Ruff-ruff!"
     Kira looked at Sisko strangely and tapped her com-badge.  "Ops to Odo,
we have an intruder alert.  Unauthorized access.  Security breech.  Invasion
of privacy.  Anything you want to call it."
     The speakers filled with Odo's voice, "I'm on my way, Major."
     Sisko tapped his com-badge, "Ops to Doctor Bashir.  We need an antidote
for this smell quick or there's going to be a lot of overtime for the clean-
up lady, if you know what I mean."
     Doctor Bashir chimed in, "I've analyzed the compound.  There's too much
medical jargon for you plebeians to comprehend, but I'm filling the air with
Lysol, four parts per million."
     Quark said, "Tell him I want 'mountain fresh'.  None of that 'original
scent' stuff.  It gives me asthma, and you've never seen a ferengi with
asthma."
     A hissing sound was heard, and the stench was replaced with something
slightly more palatable.  Collective exhaling was heard all throughout the
station.
     Sisko barked, "Speculate, what would be the cause of this odor?"
     Kira said, "It's obviously something to do with the cloud that came out
of the wormhole."
     Dax's fingers flew across her panel.  "Readings are inconclusive, and
Doctor Bashir won't explain what they do show to me."
     Sisko's eyes narrowed, he smiled slightly then barked, "Let's use a
little common sense.  What is usually associated with a biologically-derived
smell?"
     Kira's expression was puzzled, "Sir?"
     O'Brien said, "Well, you can't mean to say that was a giant ... fart?
Floating through space?"
     Sisko barked, "It's the only explanation.  That must be why the call it
a wormhole."
     O'Brien said, his voice angry, "Are you trying to say that the galaxy is
actually a great big worm floating in space, sir?"
     Sisko shook his head tersely, convinced, "What other explanation is
there?"
     O'Brien shouted, "Well that's just great!  You mean I left the
Enterprise to be stationed next to the arse of some giant worm with gas?!  Of
all the rotten -- !"
     Kira said, "I knew this wormhole was not good for Bajora.  It's no
wonder the Cardassians abandoned it."
     Dax said, "You've really screwed up this time, Benjamin."
     Sisko barked and shrugged, "Hey, it's not my fault.  It's the only
command they would offer me."
     Quark said, "Well, some commander you must be, Sisko," then licked his
lips and added, "I wonder if wormhole gas could be sold as an alternate
energy source?""
     Odo walked into the room.
     Sisko turned and barked, "It's about time, Constable."
     "I'm sorry, sir, I was in the shape of a snail when the Major called and
had made it half way here before I realized I could just walk."
     Dax suddenly emitted, "Sir, scanners are picking up some unusual
readings from the wormhole."
     O'Brien's look turned sarcastic, "Well what could be more unusual than
the bloody thing passin' gas?  Someone tell me."
     Sisko barked, "That's enough, Chief!"
     O'Brien quieted down.
     Sisko barked, "Bow-wow!"
     Kira looked strangely at Sisko for a moment then walked over to Dax.
"You're right, there is something happening in that wormhole.  You know,
you're good.  How's about coming over for dinner tonight?"
     Dax felt Kira's breath on her neck and waved Kira's face away.
     Sisko barked, "Analyze the patterns.  What can you tell me?"
     O'Brien muttered, "It's probably goin' for 'nother round."
     Dax said, "Readings would seem to indicate that ..."
     Sisko barked, "Yes, Lieutenant?"
     "... That we're looking right down the nose of a bowel-movement, sir."
     O'Brien muttered, "Even better ..."
     Suddenly, the lights faded.  Sisko barked, "Okay, I want a working
solution before the commercials are up!"

     "Attention *Trek* fans!  Coming soon do Independence Mall will be
William Smith, better known as the Ensign who walked by Captain Picard and
Doctor Crusher in the hallway in episode number 39.  He'll be available for
autographs and to answer your *Star Trek: The Next Generation* or *Deep Space
Nine* questions.  Reserve seating is available.  Get your tickets now!"

     The lights came back on.
     Sisko barked, "Meow!"
     Kira jumped back and looked at Sisko.
     Sisko barked, "Oops.  All right, what have you got?"
     Major Kira said, resignedly, "Quark has come up with an idea, sir."
     Sisko barked, "Quark?" then looked at Quark.  "What is it?"
     Quark said shyly, "Well, you know, it's nothing really, but I bet it
would work!"
     Everyone looked at Quark and waited.
     Quark said, "Our good friend Odo changes himself into a giant pill and
we launch him into the wormhole ... sort of a 'constipation pill'."
     Sisko barked, "You mean a pill that *causes* constipation?"
     Dax said, "Ben, I think it's our only option."
     Sisko looked at Odo, "Well, Odo?"
     Odo said, "Well, I, uh ... I don't know how to turn into *that*."
     Kira tapped her com-badge.  "Ops to Doctor Bash--"
     Sisko interrupted Kira, "I have a whole supply."
     Dax said, "You do?"
     Kira said, "Pills that *cause* constipation?"
     Sisko barked, "Sure, how do you think I got this *charming*
personality?"
     Dax looked at her panel that hadn't changed since the moment she got on
board the station.  But somehow she was able to determine that exact nature
of the instability of the wormhole, and say, "Sir, the movement is getting
more intense."
     Sisko barked, "Estimate time until ... until ... you know when."
     Dax said, "I'd estimate approximately one hour."
     Sisko barked, "Well, Odo, let's get cracking."
     Odo said, "Well, uh, what if I don't want to?"
     Sisko barked, "We all agreed to certain risks when we came aboard,
Constable.  I know that I can count on each and every person on this station
to die in the line of duty, and I know I have your support on that, don't I?"
     Odo said, "But, sir, those are the rules for a Klingon ship, not this
station."
     Sisko said, "Hey!  We can be like them!"

     59 minutes and 59.9 seconds later they were ready to launch Odo.
     Sisko asked politely, "How much time is left, Major Kira *please?*"
     Kira jumped back and looked at Sisko incredulously, "You're getting
weird, you know that?"
     Dax filled in, "We have less than a tenth of a second."
     Sisko barked, "Is that all?  Well, I guess we'd better get this show on
the road!"
     O'Brien held his finger above the button to launch Odo.  "Ready when you
are, Sir."
     Odo barked, "A tenth of a second.  Wow, I think this is the closest call
we've ever been in!"
     Major Kira shouted, "Sir, come on, it's not that long!"
     Sisko barked, "Major, you get a grip on yourself!"
     Dax said, "Point zero five seconds left until completion of wormhole
bowel movement."
     Sisko suddenly shouted, "Launch Odo, now!" then added, "I always wanted
to do that."
     O'Brien pushed the button and they watched through the viewscreen as
Odo, in the shape of a white pill, was sent hurling towards the wormhole.
     Sisko barked, "How long will we know if it works?"
     Dax said, "We should know immediately."
     Sisko paused and barked, "Well, I guess it worked."
     Kira said, "But sir, what about Odo?  And with all due respect, sir, I
don't think it'll last that long.  I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go
eventually."
     O'Brien said, "Yeah, and we don't have engines on this thing, like on
the *Enterprise*.  Back on *that* ship, Picard would just say 'engage' to a
problem like this."
     Sisko barked then scratched behind his ear.  "Are you quite finished,
Chief?  Anyway, I'd say it's nothing to worry about.  It'll probably last at
least three more seasons, and I doubt we'll be on the air that long.  I mean,
how many episodes can you make about a station that just sits there and waits
for aliens to come riding out of that hole?"
     O'Brien paused and said, "Well, sir, I guess as long as they speak
English."

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